Rather Menacing

Something unsettling about this photo. It looks a little distorted, possibly by the water. Has the feel of a David Lynch image maybe.

This poo arrived just as I got settled into a study room at the library at school. I was planning on spending the day reading through books about natural wastewater treatment processes and sustainable community design but as soon as my laptop finished booting up I felt a sudden need to shit. I had to pack everything up again and head to the bathroom.

It came out very easily, maybe too easy. It was very soft, not sure what that was owing to.

makes me feel kind of sick

Beer shits.

Went out with a couple of friends last night, had some beers, came home, hit the sheets and fell asleep. Woke up with a headache but not feeling horribly hung over. Crapped out this load of floaters just for you.

And just so you know, even I'm not always in love with looking at this pictures okay? Yuck.

Just another poo

Is the novelty wearing off? Maybe a little bit. Sometimes I look down between my legs at the end of a poo and think, "do I really need to take a picture of this to post on the internet?" Usually my response to myself is "yes" because I don't have much else going for me right now. No other schedule, no other obligations. The fact that nobody reads this blog doesn't deter me of course. Why would it?

As typical as this poo is it really is only typical in its atypicality. It is as unique as all my other poos.

no more coke PLEASE

8:47am


2:38pm

I know, nobody is forcing me to drink all this coke all the time. So it's up to me to stop. I think I can do it, well, I can cut back a whole bunch anyway. Last semester I had the idea of buying cases of coke from the grocery store near school and leaving it in my locker. I'd get lots of icoke points for each of those, it would save me money, it would prevent me from having coke at home and it would not be refrigerated so it wouldn't even be very tasty or anything. Easy to resist I figure. But as soon as I thought of that I started thinking of ways to refrigerate my locker. So clearly I am addicted.

Rock bottom in terms of coca-cola addiction is hard to define, but here's a hint: This morning I got out of bed and stood in front of the toilet for a piss. I felt a fart coming on so I squeezed a little. It was being finicking so I reached back and pulled one butt cheek to the side. The fart that resulted was wet and sloppy. It was gross. I thought it was like that from sweat, my ass gets very sweaty, but I instantly realized there was a poo up there behind the gas, so I sat down and squeezed out a little plop. it wasn't much and I was unprepared so there's no photograph. This worst part of this story though is what I discovered once I'd sat down on the toilet. There on the floor between my feet was a phlegmy looking ass loogie (I don't know what else to call it). You know when your shit is really runny and it's difficult to call it solid? It was a little sample of that. I guess it came out of my ass when I farted. Made me feel a little sick to my stomache. I didn't tell my girlfriend about it, but I suppose she might read about it now. Sorry honey. I cleaned it up though.

Sigh... Coke.

10:50am


1:24pm

Too much coke, man. My girlfriend went to lunch with her grandmother and because they're chinese thought it might be a little weird for me so I didn't go. Instead I bought a 2L bottle of coke and played Lego Star Wars and read all afternoon.

Didn't have a poo last night though, lots of gas, but no poo. The poo had to wait until this morning. And then for lunch I had a sub and a small bottle of coke, which led to this second poo WHICH was my first poo in our new toilet!

The bathroom guys finally finished redoing the bathroom in my house. It's not beautiful but it's better than before. Minor oversights: They didn't replace the lights which use some kind of funny super-bright/hot ikea bulbs and which are purple and therefore don't match the bathroom at all anymore. And there are no cabinets or shelves on which to place bathroom items. For a house with three people that's a little crazy.

And they did nothing to clean up the place afterward. Classy.

So that's why the water is so cloudy in the toilet, it's full of dust and grit.

Why?

Last night my girlfriend and I decided to have kind of a trashy night in. We rented Wild At Heart, despite being recent converts to zip.ca's mail-order video rentals, ordered two pizzas and bought a bottle of wine.

I drank too much, I ate too much and the movie wasn't so hot. We like David Lynch, I like him more than she does, but Wild at Heart is kind of sloppy. It feels rushed even though the film moves kind of slowly, and just knowing that he made this movie while working on Twin Peaks made it at least seem as though he was distracted. And it's weird seeing so many twin peaks actors in Wild at Heart.

I went to bed feeling kind of sick, but mostly just bloated. I was drunk, but my head wasn't spinning. I drank a ton of water and woke up not hung-over, which was pretty cool. This poo took a long time to finish, but it felt okay.

Double icoke coins?!?!?!?!!!!

10:21am


11:10am


So I just found out that for a limited time you can get 1000 icoke coins from bottles of Coke Zero. That's bad news man. I like Coke Zero okay but I prefer Coke Classic and I don't think Coke Classic gives me the shits as bad.


This morning I had a little poo, just a little regular poo at my girlfriend's house and on my way to school I picked up a bottle of Coke Zero, for the extra points, and with the little idea that maybe it was better for me than Coke Classic. I bought the Coke Zero about two blocks away from school. I opened it and had a sip or two. By the time I'd reached the school I was in desperate need of a bathroom. I could hardly get my pants off fast enough. It was pretty intense! and I'm not sure if Coke Classic would have had the same effect. Maybe, but I don't know. I think it's the aspertame.

Bathurst Beef Patties

We haven't been eating so well since getting back from Montreal. I haven't been at home, my girlfriend has been off work (so we prefer to spend our time together) and neither of us has felt much like buying groceries.

We did however pick up a half-dozen spicy beef patties from the bakery in Bathurst station on Monday, and then we got another half dozen today. That's good news for you folks, not such good news for the beaches here in Toronto. Sorry.

In other news my girlfriend has decided to start P90X, which is very exciting! She looks great if you ask me, I love her to death but she isn't always so confident about her body, so hopefully this will help. I got her a couple of weights a couple weeks ago and today we picked up a chin-up bar. She can't do a chin-up without a chair yet but she will eventually. I'm excited for her!

Shrouded in Mystery

The bathroom at my house is being redone. The ceiling fell in several weeks ago so my roommate thought the whole bathroom should get redone. The bathroom was kind of gross but it looks like we're not going to have a bathroom for at least four days, no shower, a toilet only at the end of each day and an apartment overrun with bathroom guys during the day. Hardly seems worth it to me, but at least I have a place to stay.

Unfortunately, staying at my girlfriend's place sometimes means having to poo in a toilet that doesn't always flush away all the toilet paper. I can't justify flushing an extra time just to get rid of toilet paper, so this is the result. Kind of mysterious don't you think?

The Montreal trip was pretty great. Ate some good poutine, brought back a bunch of bagels and a couple of bottles of Blanche de Chambly and Modite by Unibroue, saw some great art and a bunch of animals and stuff and walked around a beautiful city with the girl I love. Sadly we decided to try out the poutine at Mel's Montreal Delicatessen here in Toronto when we came back. I'd always liked it. But it's like discovering San Francisco burritos, we're totally spoiled now.

Montreal Poo #2

Remember how I hate it when the poo gets above the water line? This was particularly unpleasant because I had gone another whole day without crapping.

It started off reasonable and fine but boy, it didn't end well. I actually wished the toilet had been see through (not really), because I think this poo took the shape of a mushroom cloud. I guess a lot of it get held up by the toilet itself because as you can see, in front there appears to be a lot of unoccupied space.

So how come this poo turned out so fucking ugly? Well first there was coffee, then there was granola bars (a staple of this trip), then nachos, coke, more coke, beer, poutine, and another coke. 'nuff said.

The Poutine was from La Banquise Poutine on Rue Rachel and it was pretty damn good. I could have done with more cheese curds but that's a small quibble. My girlfriend and I ordered the Large Poutine Obelix, that's with smoked meat on it, and shared it on a park. For some reason we thought the place was on a different street and we were very discouraged until we stumbled upon the actual location by chance, then we were happy! Youpee!

Montreal Poo #1

It was a long drive with several stops of questionable nutritionality before we reached montreal with a mission of eating smoked meat, poutine and bagels (separately of course).

This poo came the morning after our arrival when all I'd had to eat the day before was coke (of course), a wendy's double cheeseburger, granola bars and some okay Indian food on Rue St-Denis.

My girlfriend was up already and she said she heard my phone camera shutter sound effect but our two travel-mates were still fast asleep.

As you can tell I must have really needed to poo since you can see that the poo has topped the water line. I hate it when it does that.

The News - July 18, 2008

Artist to display large scale photographs of feces
Kind of disappointing. I was thinking of putting all my photos in a show eventually. Oh well.

Northwest Missouri State University forced to buy poo pickup bags for dog owners
Unpickedup dog poo has become such a problem at this university they've purchased bag dispensers. Could this be a side effect of people using reusable bags for their groceries? Anyway, if everyone was more comfortable around feces this wouldn't be a problem.

Not one of the crowd

Please see July 15.

Kirk vs. The Gorn

Please see yesterday's post for a brief explanation of why this post is so brief.

Cowering in the corner.

The dates of these posts is always the date the poo was made, but it is not always the date that I post or write. I apologize for the deception.

In this case the poo was made on July 15th, but I'm not writing about it until the 17th. I've spent the last three days at my girlfriend's place and since I use the IR doo-hickey on my phone to transfer files to my laptop, etc. I'm only getting to posting today.

Enjoy. The same applies for the 16th and 17th.

EraserPOO

Oh man! Went to see Eraserhead at the Bloor last night. First time, can you believe it? It was great! Made me want to make movies again, of course then i think about how many years it took Lynch to finish it and all the personal troubles he went through at the time and I figure I'm probably doing all right with this professional path I'm on.

On the way home i felt a sudden poo coming on again. My girlfriend lectured me that it's because I drank about a litre of coke earlier in the day and ate a PayDay during the movie and used this as further evidence that my poos are unhealthy.

Now, you can't see it so well in the picture but this poo was not your usual, run of the mill coke poo, it turned out that the sudden urgency I felt in my bowels was more a result of gas than liquified feces and when the first bit of shit came out it was a long, solid cord that coiled at the bottom, definitely something good right? By the end maybe it was getting a little inconsistant but overall I felt very good about this one.

Ambushed!

This morning


Slightly later in the morning

It felt like it would be a normal poo, but when I was done it didn't feel normal. It felt like there might be more in there, or it might just be gas, really wasn't sure how it would play out, but I thought I'd give it some time.

I left the bathroom after the first poo, had a little breakfast, got some things together for a meeting and went pee. While peeing I had to fart, so I pushed a bit when suddenly to my horror I felt the start of a little poop! So I stopped and sat down and all that stuff in the bottom picture came out. UNPLEASANT!

But I'm glad I got rid of it before the meeting because it was an all day affair at a house with the bathroom just around the corner, and definitely within earshot, of the room we were working in. Ech!

Obstruction (don't worry, nothing bad)

My girlfriend worries that I don't poo enough, but the truth is that I poo every day, except on the weekends. I did poo today though, saturday, and I did it at her place, so she knows.

Note: her toilet doesn't always flush all the toilet paper away. I didn't forget, this is old toilet paper. I always take my pictures before wiping so YOU get an unobstructed view.

Big n' chunky

Not what I expected!

Headed over to the girlfriend's this morning to do some laundry and some Yoga X, but decided to have a coffee while I tried to get through an overdue library book. Half way through the coffee I felt the poo brewing. I really didn't think it was going to be a nice one, and perhaps stupidly I decided to hold onto it until I finished the coffee.

I tried to make myself comfortable, tried not to fart too much (just in case my fart came out a, a poo). Even when it was time, when it was coming out, it didn't feel that good, but damn, look at those shits! Thick, dark and pretty solid if I say so myself. I know a lot of people have been concerned about the quality of my poos, so here's one I hope you're happy to see.

Friend's girlfriend drips poo from toilet to shower!

Sorry for the tease, no picture just a quick little update to tell you about a friend of mine.

Went out with a friend of mine tonight, a clean freak who likes to use disinfectant wipes on his phone at work and on door handles at least once a week (and yet would sometimes put condoms on pay phones as a prank).

I mentioned to him about discovering my girlfriend's giant poos and he told me that his girlfriend has a disturbing habit of not wiping every time. Usually it's just when she's going to shower right after so it's not a big deal but on more than TWO occassions my friend has gone into the bathroom after her and discovered poo drippings on either the floor or the edge of the bathtub!!

Now, I may be the kind of guy who takes pictures of his poo and posts them on the internet, but I would never subject anyone to having to experience my poos outside of a toilet and in person. That's just gross!

Dough!

This morning (this is how they did the trippy space effects near the end of 2001)


Also this morning

Multiple poos in the same day never result in very healthy poos. I actually felt a little ill this morning when I had the second poo, but by this afternoon I was feeling fine. Relatively fine. I had two coffees around lunch time and the second coffee was definitely a mistake. I was jittery the rest of the afternoon (still am a little and it's almost 6pm).

I'm not sure what the cause of these unpleasant poos was, except that maybe it was the horrible bread I baked.

All the ingredients cost me about $13, although the amounts were much more than I needed, so I have left over molasses, flour, yeast, etc. Mixing the flour into the molasses, milk, water, yeast, and so on started off pretty easy and simple and I was optimistic, but by the time I started working in the second half of the rye flour it became a serious workout. It was extremely tough working in all that flour and I began to worry that the temperature of the room, the sweat from my hands and the length of time spent working on it were going to adversely affect the bread.

Eventually I was ready to let it rise, supposedly to double, but it didn't reach double after an hour and 15 minutes (timed by how long it took me to get through my p90x workout). I didn't know what else to do so I cut it into two and waited for the two loaves to rise. They rose somewhat after an hour but not a lot, so I threw it in the oven anyway. Yesterday was one of the hottest days of the year so far, so I had the exhaust fan on high and my floor fan pointed out the kitchen window, but it was still incredibly hot. After the appointed 45 minutes I took out the two loaves. Rock solid, heavy and hot as coals. god dammit. And how did the bread taste? Like molasses of course! 4 tablespoons of molasses. I thought it seemed like a lot, but that's what the recipe called for!

ugh, I'll try another recipe some other time but for now I'm a little discouraged. Then again, I'm not a baker. I'm a pooer.

Tragically Out of Focus!

Sorry about the quality of this shot, I guess I was in a bit of a hurry and I couldn't really see the image on my phone that well, so this is what you get. oops.

You know how people say you shouldn't shop for groceries while you're hungry because then you'll only buy stuff you're craving? Something like the opposite happened to me today. Shortly after I arrived at the No Frills on Lansdowne I felt the familiar burbling of a poo in my guts. But I couldn't leave because this no frills is actually kind of far from my house, but I go there because it's cheap and big. Anyway, there was definitely a poo coming, but I was looking for some very specific items. See, I'm sick of my bread going mouldy, so I've decided to bake my own! This way it'll be cheaper (maybe, probably not), and I can bake smaller loaves that I can actually finish before they go bad (hopefully).

Now, I know there are some gaps in this logic. I'm going to calculate it all out and see if it actually is cheaper, and I have a feeling that all those chemicals and preservities in corporate bread help it last a lot longer than mine will, but it's an experiment, and it'll be fun.

Holy Crap it's HOT!

Toronto is having a fairly typical summer it seems, but in typical Toronto fashion nobody seems to remember that it always gets this hot and humid and miserable.

This weekend was actually quite nice though, it wasn't too humid and there was a decent breeze most of the time, so it was bearable. Tomorrow isn't supposed to be as lovely though. It's supposed to be about 27 c. but will feel like 37 c. CRAZY!!

We had some really rough days last year though, like 45 with the humidex!

In Poo news, this was my first poo at my girlfriend's place while she was in the other room since I told her about this blog. And since she now knows about it I am free to snap as many pictures of my poo with her around as I like! Hooray!

Poo (in the name of love)

So my girlfriend is a little concerned about how I haven't been pooing on the weekends lately. I've noticed it too, but I don't know what to say about it. I pooed this morning, monday, but did not poo on sunday or saturday, despite having curry for dinner on saturday, and a bottle of coke as well.

But who knows, maybe my body doesn't make poo on the weekends, maybe it take that time off so I can spend all my time with my girlfriend. See? I love her so thoroughly even my bowels don't want to be away from her!

Happy IndePOOdence day

To my american friends: enjoy the holiday you bastards, Canada Day was on a tuesday this year, how lame is that? You get friday off?! Sheesh.

In other news, I spent the morning at school working on an extra curricular project and had the need to defecate so I took advantage of the nice low flow toilets in the new building. Made by American Standard it claims on the back of the bowl to use 6 litres of water per flush. Not bad. I think the usual home toilet is about 10L. These were installed in part to meet LEED specifications for sustainability. I think the building is designed for silver, or maybe gold certification. Anyway, the urinals are waterless and the toilets are 6 litres to a flush, the lights have motion sensors and timers and air circulation is cleverly calculated for efficiency. But they only just installed a bike rack and they leave the computers in the lab on all day/night.

I thought this was a fun poo because it came out all at once, really easy, quite soft. It was like a 30 second poo, seriously, even though it's a pretty substantial one. And check out the symmetry at the bottom. Like a bow tie of poo!

TermPOOnator 2: Judgement Poo

This morning (girlfriend's house)


This afternoon (at school)

Don't have much to report except that last night I was forced to tell my girlfriend about this blog. She was... I don't know what to say. She thought it was funny, but she was concerned that I had kept it a secret from her. She wanted to know what else I was hiding from her. The logic being, If I could hide this from her I could hide other stuff. Sigh.

Anyway, it all started because I was trying to transfer my p90x videos from my computer to her computer. The best thing we could think of was to use the infrared deal on her phone, but that was taking forever and my girlfriend happened to notice a folder titled "Poos" on my desktop. So why have a folder related to a secret project on my desktop? Because I wasn't really keeping it a secret anyway. I just hadn't told her about it yet. I didn't want to jinx it, or tell her about it and then it's something she can say, "so how's the poo blog doing?" and I have to acknowledge that I haven't posted in a long time or something and then I get depressed. You know what I mean?

We sorted it out, it was fine. She was a little concerned about the quality of my poos, all I could do was shrug. Later in the evening she took a poo and decided to let me see it!! Holy SHIT! It was literally as thick as my forearm, dark with the texture of a PowerBar, and straight and rigid looking. I honestly have no idea how it came out of her ass. She'd always told me she had big poos, but I just thought she meant LOTS of poo, not actually really large logs. Crazy!

She will not, however, be posting photos of her poo on this blog. Sorry to say.

Dingle Berries and Preserves

Last night


This afternoon

Technically these two poos occurred on different days, but to me they are just two parts of the same poo.

I didn't poo on Sunday or Monday, and I didn't poo on Tuesday until after I got home, which was about 11pm. My girlfriend and I had a nice bike ride up to Mt. Pleasant cemetery and through some parks and along St. Clair West. That was our Canada Day, nice but not too exciting. It was a lot of sunlight and we were pretty tired at the end of the day but had to stay up for Gordon Ramsay and Hell's Kitchen, which we thought would be the last episode BUT IT WASN'T!!

Anyway, we could see fireworks fairly well from my girlfriend's window so we didn't go out and besides I was planning on getting up at 4am the next morning. So I went home. I didn't end up getting to bed until midnight or so and spent some of that awake time trying to push out what turned out to be that little shit at the top of this post. Out of all the time I spent on the toilet last night a fair amount of it took place with the little nub in the foreground dangling from my anus hairs. Not an entirely unpleasant feeling, but certainly undesireable.

Well it took forever and I was very disappointed to see that that was all there was. I was sure there was more.

I slept poorly and woke up at 4:20am to get on a train, then a bus, to Bowmanville to have a meeting with someone at the Clarington town hall. I didn't really have time to poo this morning even though I definitely felt like I needed to. In fact, I knew I had to poo with great certainty for most of the train ride and all through the meeting. AND BACK HOME AGAIN!

Finally I was home, but there was a message for me from my old boss who wanted to borrow my key to one of the stores because no one seemed to have a copy(!), so I had to leave again, still without having poo'd! By the time I got back home again I was ready to go, and it was quite glorious. Not a huge crap but substantial and definitely related to last night's event.

The End.

... or is it?
(it is for today)