Pain in the ass indeed

Why does it have to be painful? I feel like a small child who doesn't understand that it can be painful to poo. In my search for similar blogs, some time ago, I came upon a post on a parenting forum in which a mother was upset because her child would not poo. It would not do it. It had a painful poo once and so decided it didn't want to do it anymore. Of course not pooing naturally leads to constipation and even greater pain. I'm not sure how old this kid was but it's hard not to be judgemental. I mean, this kid has to be stupid right?

Maybe not. Humans have this thing about denying their animal instincts, it's how we get ourselve to do all kinds of things. Maybe this kid is just ahead of the curve.

Anyway, this one was painful. It was preceded by a lot of gas, then a series of pushes that resulted in nothing, just the confirmation that something hard and thick was in there. ugh. I was trying to read too, so I was getting annoyed by the distraction of a poo that wouldn't plop. Finally I put down the book, Scud: The Disposable Assassin, The Whole Shebang, and concentrated. I pushed. I pushed hard, and I pushed past the pain. Finally it came out, thick and alone. Nothing else came after that. I let my ass rest a bit and hoped a little more might make its way out while I was there, but no, that was it.

Kind of looks like a cock doesn't it?

Oh! and Chuck Palahniuk is giving a reading here in Toronto tomorrow. It's $10 at the Isabel Bader theatre. I'd like to go, but I can't really spare $10, and for some reason I filtered out my copies of Fight Club and Rant when I moved and so they're sitting in a box in my parent's basement. Why would I do that, but over-burden myself with so much Douglas Coupland and Roald Dahl?

Also enjoyed the new Star Trek movie this weekend. I find the whole "so we're in an alternate timeline?" "Yes, whatever our lives would have been has now been changed" idea a little dubious. It's basically an excuse to NOT follow any of the canon. And what fan really want from a new series of Star Trek movies is to see some classic old episodes redone with today's energy and CG effects. Imagine the Gorn today, or Kirk vs. Spock? It even looks like the original pilot won't be recreated since Kirk takes control of the Enterprise right away and Pike has been "relieved". hmmm.

A little coke'll do ya

Yesterday was special in terms of food. I had an apple for breakfast, a little apple apparently from New Zealand, which was pretty good, but I might have preferred a McIntosh if at all possible. Oh well.

My girlfriend and I went out for a walk along Bloor St from the Annex to Yorkville in the beautiful weather. it was wonderful and we had lunch at one of our favourite places Okonomi House on Charles street. I got the bacon Okonomi Yaki, which tasted exactly as you'd expect it too. This was bacon meal number 2 for the past two days. The night before we had hamburgers and I put four slices of bacon on mine. It was fantastic.

So after Okonomi House we walkd back home and I cooked up a rack of Our Compliments ribs (which are always tasty) and roasted a couple of cubed and seasoned potatoes which turned out great. My girlfriend made herself a burrito/fajita thing that she makes now and then. it was leftovers, not enough for me. And apparently there wasn't enough of my meal for her, because I ate the whole damn thing.

She got one rib out of the rack and a handful of potatoes. I ate the rest. And some chips. And drank water (haven't been consuming enough water these past couple of months. Too much coffee instead).

So last night I felt there was a fair amount of shit up in me but I didn't feel like going. I didn't poo in the morning either, but i was gassy. I guess with all that meat I might have been a bit constipated. I guess I still am, because the only poo I've pooed today is what you see at the top of this post, and you know how that came about?

Well, when I came home to study today I bought a bottle of coke on the way. After my first sip I felt the need, and that's what came out. It felt like more at the time, but looking at it now, it's not much is it?

Hey, if anyone cares to, feel free to email me which of my poos is your favourite. I'll see about doing a photomosaic of all my poos so that they make the image of your favourite poo. I might need a few more still for it to work.

Forever and Poo

I did not poo this weekend. Just wasn't a priority. So I left it until just now.

After "work" on Friday my girlfriend and I went out for dinner then back to her place where I did not poo. I kind of felt like I had to but it wasn't pressing.

The next day we had a lazy morning and then did a little shopping. I thought for sure I'd have to poo by the time we got back but there was only gas.

We made chili for dinner and had a nice warm bowl of it. We watched a movie and some tv but still. Nothing. 

Sunday was pretty lazy too, didn't eat too much until dinner time when I met with a friend at Sneaky Dee's and washed down some chicken wings with a couple pints of beer. Now it was just a matter of hours.

There still was no panic by the time I came back to my place. I calmly put away my things and turned on my computer, picked out a book and sat down on the toilet in the bathroom. and then: squeeeeeeeeze. ugh. squeeeeeeeeeze. ugh. etc.

It took a while, and it felt kind of thick. Wasn't a nice poo exactly, but it was needed.

The Logdriver's Waltz

Some tasty floaters today.

More gassiness and unsure pooping lately. 

This one came along suddenly after a large coffee in the afternoon. 

In my program's building at school there's a handicap washroom which locks and is very private and nice. I love to shit there. It's particularly nice that it isn't supposedly a staff washroom, so I shouldn't have any official reason to not be there. Of course I do not have any special needs requiring a large bathroom all to myself, so if someone in a wheelchair were to knock on the door I'd feel bad, but that hasn't happened yet, so I'll continue to shit there as long as I can.

Poos and News

In the news, a Man sent poo through the mail, now he's being indicted. But first:

This poo must have been brewing for a while. Maybe I'm sick, I don't know, but the last few days my stomach hasn't taken much time off from rumbling and gurgling and I've been very gassy.

Well today I was at school in the computer lab and it eventually became apparent that I needed to poo so I headed off to the handicap washroom (single toilet, locking door, quite nice) to make my dump. It started with a spattering of shit and fluid like most of them have been lately. You can see at the bottom of the image a phlegmy looking item, but it isn't phlegm, it came out of my ass. I had always been under the impression that Santorum only resulted from anal sex, but this seems to be about the same kind of stuff as I've heard about. Who can say?

Anyhow, it was gross (as it usually is), but as has been the case in recent days this poo was not without complexity.

What started with a spattering of shit and fluids became a drip, drop, plop of cheesy-shaped shits that really turned my stomach. They resembled those dense, crunchy cheesies, not so much the cat poo-looking ones, and they were light, i guess, so they tended to dangle prior to the plunge. All I wanted was a good, satisfying SHIT, but instead I got a series of tiny, gassy, dangling bastard poops trotting out of my asshole like dawdling school children. Finally the last one made its way through and I sat comfortably as my innards resettled themselves and I wiggled my backside to prevent any danglers from following me off the toilet as I took the photo.

Now to our top story:

http://www.argusleader.com/article/20090108/NEWS/901080329/1001

A Sioux Falls man was indicted Tuesday in federal court for allegedly sending animal feces through the mail. Jeffrey Scott DeZeeuw, 45, is charged in U.S. District Court in Sioux Falls with mailing injurious articles. The indictment alleges that on July 21, DeZeeuw sent animal feces in a letter addressed to the Minnehaha County Clerk of Courts.

and:

C-Monster says no to art involving bodily fluids.

http://blog.seattlepi.nwsource.com/art/archives/158917.asp?from=blog_last3

With commentary by another blogger.

Been caught pooing, once, when I was five!

9:24am

10:42am

Oh I've been GASSY! Last night was pretty terrible. It's a good thing my girlfriend loves me so much because I was farting up a storm! She was farting quite a bit too, but I couldn't stop. the trouble was though, I didn't feel much like taking a shit. It didn't feel that urgent, so I didn't bother. I was afraid if I went and sat on the toilet it would just be more gas anyway, so I left it until this morning.

The first poo came out in an explosion of gas and shit spatter you can see some of the flecks. It wasn't really painful but it was kind of unpleasant. It was short however. Much shorter than I thought it would be. Turned out I wasn't finished.

About an hour later came a very urgent call from nature. call of nature. whatever. I sat down and it just oozed out of me. you can't see too well because this poo was actually layered. First was the soft shifts, almost like beer shits but with more cohesion. Like soft serve ice cream I guess. That layer nearly peaked out of the water, which is never very nice. I guess I should have taken a shot then, sorry. Next came little gassy sputters much like the first poo there. Soon it became apparent that this was just the break between courses. Finally the third layer of shit came in relatively uniform clumps as you can see. This must have been from the curry we made last night. Lots of veggies and spices and stuff. it was pretty good.

Isn't it great to think about your food like this? It's really just pre-shit! Delicious!!

Speaking of food, I found a No Frills grocery store near my brother's place and I'm almost positive it's closer than Dufferin Mall, which is great because I HATE that No Frills (too small and crowded). The worrisome part about this No Frills however is that it's right next to an LCBO and a Blockbuster. But I'll just have to be strong and resist the temptation to skip school to drink and play videogames.

Oh man, I wish you could hear the noises my guts are making right now! Holy Shit! I think there could be a good one for you tonight!

The Dark (K)Poo

The poos have been dark lately. Must be the coffee as previously discussed. It's the only substantial change to my diet in the last few weeks/months.

Anyhow, I'm really sorry but I did not photograph a poo I made earlier this evening. The thing is I did it at school, in a bathroom close to my class room, just before class began and I was afraid of the ramifications if I had been caught photographing it.

But it was delightful.

I had arrived to class early and I was sitting chatting with my friend but a dreadful amount of gas was putting pressure on my insides so I left to use the washroom. I knew I had to poo eventually, but thought I could wait until after class as long as I released some gas in the mean time. When I tried to fart, however, I felt there was a blockage, so I headed for a stall.

I quickly removed my pants and sat on the toilet before completely relaxing my sphincter to allow whatever was inside to escape. Like a pumpkin shot from a cannon a sizeable lump of shit and a great deal of gas exploded from my anus. It hit the water with a splash and I felt almost completely relieved of my stool. It was great, actually.

I knew there was more up there but for the time being I was felt satisfied and was able to return to the class in time for the lecture. When I got home from school I called my girlfriend and after that made the poo you see at the top of the page. I consider it to be of the same poo as my earlier event, which is why I've tagged this as a double.

Sigh... Coke.

10:50am


1:24pm

Too much coke, man. My girlfriend went to lunch with her grandmother and because they're chinese thought it might be a little weird for me so I didn't go. Instead I bought a 2L bottle of coke and played Lego Star Wars and read all afternoon.

Didn't have a poo last night though, lots of gas, but no poo. The poo had to wait until this morning. And then for lunch I had a sub and a small bottle of coke, which led to this second poo WHICH was my first poo in our new toilet!

The bathroom guys finally finished redoing the bathroom in my house. It's not beautiful but it's better than before. Minor oversights: They didn't replace the lights which use some kind of funny super-bright/hot ikea bulbs and which are purple and therefore don't match the bathroom at all anymore. And there are no cabinets or shelves on which to place bathroom items. For a house with three people that's a little crazy.

And they did nothing to clean up the place afterward. Classy.

So that's why the water is so cloudy in the toilet, it's full of dust and grit.

Hum a little Ditty...

So my girlfriend left the bed to pee but didn't bother to close the door, as usual. Suddenly, however, there came loud flatuance and she called out, "Nothing! Hum a little ditty!" so I couldn't hear her poo.

It's a fun little game we have. I'm always trying to see her poo and she's always pretending that she doesn't want me to see her poo, or know that she is pooing.

So I made up a song while she pooped:

Hum a little ditty
a hum hum hum
hum a little ditty
while she poos

Hum a little ditty
a hum hum hum
hum a little ditty
a ditty ditty

girlfriend is pooin'
a hum hum so
hum a little ditty
while she poos

hum a little ditty
a hum hum hum
hum a little ditty
to hide the poo

girlfriend is pooin'
a hum hum it goes
plop plop plop
a ditty ditty

etc.

Anyway, this isn't her poo, it's mine, and it was two days in the making.

Tales of UnemPOOment

Yeah, I'm starting to get a little depressed about the job hunt. I've had no response from anyone I've sent my resume to, except to say that they've already hired their group of students for the summer.

My girlfriend suggested I try a different approach which is to offer up free labour, so I sent out a new batch of resumes today with that suggestion attached. One consultant has already gotten back to me to say that he only hires senior planners. At least he replied.

This poo came out as soon as I got home from my girlfriend's place this morning. It was a simple affair but as you can see not as robust or continuous as other recent defecations. I don't know what that's really about. I've actually had a lot of gas since squeezing this one out and I've been a little nervous about pooping myself a couple of times when I've farted. The worst was while doing my p90x workout of the day, Ab Ripper X calls for a lot of abdominal flexing as you can imagine and I was sure my next "heels to the heavens" pulse up was going to land me with a load in my shorts. Luckily I finished clean (although fairly sweaty).

Stressy Poos

So now you know what happens when you don't poo for three days in a row because you're too busy and stressed out studying for exams. It was the sort of thing where I'd feel like I had to poo but there'd be nothing but gas in the morning. Then I'd feel like I had to poo while at school but I had to write an exam, etc.

So yesterday I poo'd twice. The first was a decent crap that started out fairly firm and robust but finished kind of sloppy. I should have known what that was foreshadowing.

A couple hours later I had another poo. This one was soupy and disgusting. It wasn't the worst soupy poo of my life but it was rather unpleasant and as you can see: Frothy.

The exams went pretty well. I have one more this morning and I feel quite prepared for it. Wish me luck!

Litres of gas yesterday but plenty of poo today!

For most of the day yesterday I thought I was on the verge of taking a big poo but whenever I sat on the toilet to get rid of it all there was was gas. A couple of times the farting relieved the pressure so I didn't feel so much like I had to crap, but it still wasn't satisfying.

When I woke up this morning I thought for sure I was going to finally poo it all out but I was too busy to sit and have a dump. Finally just now I finished a coffee and out it came. Lots of it too. Not enough to break the surface of the toilet water, but plenty for sure.

Feels good to be empty.