Did it come out SIDEWAYS?

This poo really excited me. So much so that I called my girlfriend in to see it!

It was a standard poo on a regular day and I looked between my legs to check the progress of my shit. This is what I saw: A perfectly straight log that spanned the diameter of the toilet bowl. Amazing!

I didn't have my camera with me so I called my girlfriend to get it for me, and showed her the poo. She was horrified of course, but she knows about this plog and she knows how fascinated I am with my own poos, so she was encouraging. Neither of course could believe how straight it was. She focused on the thinness of the poo, but her's are often as thick as my wrist, and I'd rather not try to squeeze that out my ass.

Meanwhile: This plog has recently recieved a comment, on the post "Hard Poos and Hard Times". A reader is concerned that these kinds of thin, pencil-shaped poos are a sign of colorectal cancer. Could be, but I'm not exhibiting any of the other symptoms, so it seems unlikely. Although I really should eat more fibre, I agree. I feel that my pencil-poos are more related to the softness of my poo, combined with the tightness of my sphincter (which may be related to my psoriasis). I drink coffee, and coke, and eat junk food, etc, etc. It's not something I've tried very hard to change because I've always been thin. My ass seems to be pretty inelastic, possibly because of the psoriasis located on it. When I have a big robust poo it's usually really uncomfortable and painful and sometimes cracks my ass like a chapped lip. So I guess there's a bit of a disincentive to eat more fibre.

Anyhow, thanks for the concern. I feel fine. I just have skinny poos.

Pain in the ass indeed

Why does it have to be painful? I feel like a small child who doesn't understand that it can be painful to poo. In my search for similar blogs, some time ago, I came upon a post on a parenting forum in which a mother was upset because her child would not poo. It would not do it. It had a painful poo once and so decided it didn't want to do it anymore. Of course not pooing naturally leads to constipation and even greater pain. I'm not sure how old this kid was but it's hard not to be judgemental. I mean, this kid has to be stupid right?

Maybe not. Humans have this thing about denying their animal instincts, it's how we get ourselve to do all kinds of things. Maybe this kid is just ahead of the curve.

Anyway, this one was painful. It was preceded by a lot of gas, then a series of pushes that resulted in nothing, just the confirmation that something hard and thick was in there. ugh. I was trying to read too, so I was getting annoyed by the distraction of a poo that wouldn't plop. Finally I put down the book, Scud: The Disposable Assassin, The Whole Shebang, and concentrated. I pushed. I pushed hard, and I pushed past the pain. Finally it came out, thick and alone. Nothing else came after that. I let my ass rest a bit and hoped a little more might make its way out while I was there, but no, that was it.

Kind of looks like a cock doesn't it?

Oh! and Chuck Palahniuk is giving a reading here in Toronto tomorrow. It's $10 at the Isabel Bader theatre. I'd like to go, but I can't really spare $10, and for some reason I filtered out my copies of Fight Club and Rant when I moved and so they're sitting in a box in my parent's basement. Why would I do that, but over-burden myself with so much Douglas Coupland and Roald Dahl?

Also enjoyed the new Star Trek movie this weekend. I find the whole "so we're in an alternate timeline?" "Yes, whatever our lives would have been has now been changed" idea a little dubious. It's basically an excuse to NOT follow any of the canon. And what fan really want from a new series of Star Trek movies is to see some classic old episodes redone with today's energy and CG effects. Imagine the Gorn today, or Kirk vs. Spock? It even looks like the original pilot won't be recreated since Kirk takes control of the Enterprise right away and Pike has been "relieved". hmmm.

Poos and News

In the news, a Man sent poo through the mail, now he's being indicted. But first:

This poo must have been brewing for a while. Maybe I'm sick, I don't know, but the last few days my stomach hasn't taken much time off from rumbling and gurgling and I've been very gassy.

Well today I was at school in the computer lab and it eventually became apparent that I needed to poo so I headed off to the handicap washroom (single toilet, locking door, quite nice) to make my dump. It started with a spattering of shit and fluid like most of them have been lately. You can see at the bottom of the image a phlegmy looking item, but it isn't phlegm, it came out of my ass. I had always been under the impression that Santorum only resulted from anal sex, but this seems to be about the same kind of stuff as I've heard about. Who can say?

Anyhow, it was gross (as it usually is), but as has been the case in recent days this poo was not without complexity.

What started with a spattering of shit and fluids became a drip, drop, plop of cheesy-shaped shits that really turned my stomach. They resembled those dense, crunchy cheesies, not so much the cat poo-looking ones, and they were light, i guess, so they tended to dangle prior to the plunge. All I wanted was a good, satisfying SHIT, but instead I got a series of tiny, gassy, dangling bastard poops trotting out of my asshole like dawdling school children. Finally the last one made its way through and I sat comfortably as my innards resettled themselves and I wiggled my backside to prevent any danglers from following me off the toilet as I took the photo.

Now to our top story:

http://www.argusleader.com/article/20090108/NEWS/901080329/1001

A Sioux Falls man was indicted Tuesday in federal court for allegedly sending animal feces through the mail. Jeffrey Scott DeZeeuw, 45, is charged in U.S. District Court in Sioux Falls with mailing injurious articles. The indictment alleges that on July 21, DeZeeuw sent animal feces in a letter addressed to the Minnehaha County Clerk of Courts.

and:

C-Monster says no to art involving bodily fluids.

http://blog.seattlepi.nwsource.com/art/archives/158917.asp?from=blog_last3

With commentary by another blogger.

The News - August 15, 2008

3 Million Chicken Factory Farm Fuels itself


Blogger's family chips in to clean up after young son poops everywhere


House-Sized inflatable Dog shit downs power lines in Switzerland


Poop Report asks, "Does Exercising Help You Poop?"


New York spa give $200 bird shit facials


New Toilet Incinerates your Waste

New York Fringe Festival Features "For Reasons Unknown" about a man who discovers a Poo in his apartment

(satire) How much does Michael Phelps poop?

Poo Tooth

I bought a bluetooth adapater for my PC so I can use my Wii controller with my computer to do stuff like this, and this.

Johnny Chung Lee is one of my new heroes, partly because he sounds like Kermit the Frog and partly because he's the from the golden age of invention. People like Theremin, Tesla or Marconi who just like to build stuff and make stuff work, aren't immediately concerned with making money off it, but basically just want to play.

So I haven't built my IR light pen yet, but I will soon. In the mean time I downloaded a program that allows me to use the Wiimote as a mouse and it seems to work really well. It's awkward and totally not practical but it's kind of fun.

News - August 11, 2008

Denver bans the carrying of Poo or Pee in anticipation of Democratic Convention

Blogger discusses how much better her poos have been since going Vegetarian

C. Defficile cured with Fecal Transplant Procedure

Pooing at the Olympics

Radioactive Seagulls? Crap.

Police search for couple who smeared baby shit and pizza on motel room walls

Incense from Moose Poop. Wonderful.

Books

I finally finished Rant by Chuck Palahniuk, am soldiering on through Hyperion and have picked back up Jack The Ripper: First American Serial Killer.

Rant is not a long or difficult book, but when you mostly only read while on the toilet it can take a while to get through something. Rant is an interesting book, funny and clever with an interesting vision of the future, although a future that would require many unusual and unlikely things to occur. Worth reading, especially if you like Palahniuk.

Hyperion is great but it's taking me a while to get through it. The format is a little tedious, the individual stories of something like 7 people all visiting the planet of Hyperion in order to get to the bottom of what The Time Tombs are, and The Shrike and how to solve their individual problems. But, the stories are so damn good you rarely have that nagging voice in your head asking, "when's the damn STORY going to start?!" which I get a lot when reading something in this format.

Jack the Ripper: First American Serial Killer compiles a lot of police reports, coroner's inquests, newspaper articles and other archival material to make the case that Jack the Ripper was American. It's really dry, but pretty fascinating and gruesome. I especially enjoy reading it in the park with little children running about.

the long and short of it, plus Pinapple Express

1:32am


1:18pm

In Montreal Pineapple Express is called Anana Express. This was one of the delights of the city we discovered on our trip a couple weeks ago.

Went to see it with my girlfriend last night. It was funny! It was a lot better than the reviews said, although it is purely stupid. It's not a SMART comedy by any stretch. I don't know what Eye magazine was expecting. Too much apparently because I thoroughly enjoyed it. And I don't even smoke pot. I've never even been high. Whatever. Go see it and laugh, don't try to analyze it.

In pooing news, I pooed as soon as we got home from the movie. It felt like it would be more, but it was just a decent long one, followed twelve hours later by an unpleasant little explosion of shit.

Lately my diet has followed nothing resembling a pattern and thus, neither have my poos.

Skip a day, easy poo anyway

I didn't poo yesterday. I really thought I would have to, but I didn't.

The other night I ate the greasiest calzone of my life. Calzones are probably supposed to be greasy, since they're made with just cheese and sauce, but man, this was squishy!

I got it from Bitondo's, which happens to be just around the corner from my house (and is pretty famous for cheap, huge greasy pizza slices of just one variety) and it was already something like 10pm. I was ridiculously stuffed and greasy feeling after, and not particularly happy with myself. I kind of expected to wake up and have to take a monster shit right away... but I didn't. I didn't poo all day. I was starting to get concerned, but whatever. I knew it would happen eventually, and it did!

Man, now I want one of those fucking calzones again. Bastards!

Why?

Last night my girlfriend and I decided to have kind of a trashy night in. We rented Wild At Heart, despite being recent converts to zip.ca's mail-order video rentals, ordered two pizzas and bought a bottle of wine.

I drank too much, I ate too much and the movie wasn't so hot. We like David Lynch, I like him more than she does, but Wild at Heart is kind of sloppy. It feels rushed even though the film moves kind of slowly, and just knowing that he made this movie while working on Twin Peaks made it at least seem as though he was distracted. And it's weird seeing so many twin peaks actors in Wild at Heart.

I went to bed feeling kind of sick, but mostly just bloated. I was drunk, but my head wasn't spinning. I drank a ton of water and woke up not hung-over, which was pretty cool. This poo took a long time to finish, but it felt okay.

The News - July 18, 2008

Artist to display large scale photographs of feces
Kind of disappointing. I was thinking of putting all my photos in a show eventually. Oh well.

Northwest Missouri State University forced to buy poo pickup bags for dog owners
Unpickedup dog poo has become such a problem at this university they've purchased bag dispensers. Could this be a side effect of people using reusable bags for their groceries? Anyway, if everyone was more comfortable around feces this wouldn't be a problem.

EraserPOO

Oh man! Went to see Eraserhead at the Bloor last night. First time, can you believe it? It was great! Made me want to make movies again, of course then i think about how many years it took Lynch to finish it and all the personal troubles he went through at the time and I figure I'm probably doing all right with this professional path I'm on.

On the way home i felt a sudden poo coming on again. My girlfriend lectured me that it's because I drank about a litre of coke earlier in the day and ate a PayDay during the movie and used this as further evidence that my poos are unhealthy.

Now, you can't see it so well in the picture but this poo was not your usual, run of the mill coke poo, it turned out that the sudden urgency I felt in my bowels was more a result of gas than liquified feces and when the first bit of shit came out it was a long, solid cord that coiled at the bottom, definitely something good right? By the end maybe it was getting a little inconsistant but overall I felt very good about this one.

Happy IndePOOdence day

To my american friends: enjoy the holiday you bastards, Canada Day was on a tuesday this year, how lame is that? You get friday off?! Sheesh.

In other news, I spent the morning at school working on an extra curricular project and had the need to defecate so I took advantage of the nice low flow toilets in the new building. Made by American Standard it claims on the back of the bowl to use 6 litres of water per flush. Not bad. I think the usual home toilet is about 10L. These were installed in part to meet LEED specifications for sustainability. I think the building is designed for silver, or maybe gold certification. Anyway, the urinals are waterless and the toilets are 6 litres to a flush, the lights have motion sensors and timers and air circulation is cleverly calculated for efficiency. But they only just installed a bike rack and they leave the computers in the lab on all day/night.

I thought this was a fun poo because it came out all at once, really easy, quite soft. It was like a 30 second poo, seriously, even though it's a pretty substantial one. And check out the symmetry at the bottom. Like a bow tie of poo!

ipood touch

Perhaps a blatant marketing ploy. All I really have to report is that I was up at 5 this morning. Worked out, had a poo (picture left), and continued the long process of transferring all my cds onto my computer so that I won't have to do it when or if I eventually get an ipod.

Meanwhile, someone started a thread on stillepost.ca for p90x updates. So if you're looking for the same level of absurdity coupled with p90x, that's where you'll find it. Also it proves that p90x is now in the popular culture, ranking somewhere between the movie Underworld and The Magic Bullet home appliance. Way to go P90X! You've earned the ironic appreciation and hipster scorn you're been working towards! If you really want to take it further you'll start advertising on American Gladiators.