Thursday, March 19, 2009

Sporadic and uncomfortable

Nine years for Tesco poo sprayer

A chemist who sprayed food in Tesco and Morrisons with urine and faeces was yesterday jailed for nine years.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Like that loopy optical illusion

The Top Eight Perfect Songs To Poop To

There is nothing wrong at all with having a little music to set the mood for your special alone time with the toilet . It would be even better if you had a perfect playlist of songs formatted to your sporadic BM bathroom breaks. Well, you’re in luck because we've put together the ultimate mix for your daily release.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Coils upon coils

So after yesterday's bizarre dragon poo I thought for sure I wouldn't have anything interesting to show you for a while, but no sir, I looked down between my legs today and discovered that somehow my shit had piled on top of itself in an almost perfect coil. Coil is a pottery term of course, but in this context it becomes a potty term.

Unfortunately you can't quite see the coiling from this angle, particularly because by the end of the shit the pattern had begun to collapse.

The image looks distorted because of the angle which I took the photo at and the nature of looking through water.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

A Dragon Poo

I wasn't intending on taking a picture when I went to shit for the second time today. You can see I'd already made a shit with a pretty good picture earlier today, so I didn't bring my fancy new camera into the toilet with me. So we're back to the cell phone camera for this entry. It's too bad too because LOOK AT THAT!!

So disturbing. it looks like a snake, or a dragon or something. It's all curly like some DNA or something. Crazy.

And no, I won't tell you about why I look at my shits if I'm not planning on taking a picture.

and yes, I bring my cell phone to the toilet all the time. I play sudoku.

lazy shits, ya!

I sat for a while for this one. It was like a project you know. You sit down out of an obligation and you take your time and you make a decent effort of it and when it's done, well look, that's a decent sized shit isn't it? Felt okay coming out too. Shits have been better lately. We'll see how that holds up.

I spent my time playing with the new camera while I sat. It's got a pretty good macro feature, but doesn't seem to have any manual focus, which is unfortunate. Means I can't take any arty photos on vacation I guess. Doesn't mean much to you though does it? Just a higher resolution than my camera phone and better colour.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

New Camera :(

I was out taking some pictures for work with my girlfriend's camera. I was on my bike. I had a backpack, but you know, it was on my back. I had a bunch of different places to go to to take pictures so I shoved the camera into my coat pocket. This was on a wednesday.

On monday I realized I had no idea where my girlfriend's camera was and as I traced back through my memory I realized the last time I touched the thing was on the previous wednesday. I guess it fell out at some point!

So I called the restaurant my girlfriend and I went to for dinner, hoping that it had fallen out when I tossed my coat into the seat. Then I went to the location of the meeting we went to later. Then I called the comic store I browsed at earlier in the day, and the record store I went to after that. Nothing.

I didn't tell the girlfriend at first. I didn't think she'd be angry, just disappointed, so I found a similar camera for sale on craigslist and bought it. When I told the girlfriend she was upset, and then she was mad that I'd bought her a new one. I didn't think she'd like the new one but I thought she'd at least accept it. She wouldn't. So now it's mine.

Lucky you!

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

A Ball of Shit

So this is a new one. A ball of shit.

Not sure how it happened, but I think the little shits all piled onto each other and were sticky enough to cling to eachother and as it became off balanced it rolled, floating in the water, resulting in equal coverage on each side.

Wow, really makes you want to vomit eh?

Plus it throws my whole theory about my shits being on the rebound right out the window... or does it add a degree of poetry to the discussion?



This was the result of morning coffee preceding the morning shit. Lovely.

I told off a lazy coworker today (via email, so it hardly counts) and she responded by saying, "You want me to feel bad but I don't because blah blah blah, you've taught me a valuable lesson about people" or something.  She totally full of shit. Probably doesn't even look at her poos.

Monday, March 2, 2009

So thick!

Well, not that thick. I've seen thicker shits (specifically from my girlfriend, guh), but this is thick for me, especially recently.

My girlfriend thinks my diet is poor. All I can think of is the addition of large amounts of coffee into my daily nutrition. I guess that could do it. But we're not just talking about my poos. I feel like my whole life has been suffering in the same manner as my craps. I don't feel good, or strong, or important at all anymore. I don't exactly feel depressed, or I haven't until the last couple of days, but in the last few months I've just felt useless.

In my group at school somehow I get by without doing much of anything because I always have insightful comments and whatnot. Now that it's time to create some content I'm at a loss. My grades haven't suffered though. I just got a paper back with an A- and I didn't put much effort into it.

I love my girlfriend and she loves me and that's all going great, but otherwise personally I feel like a total failure. I live with my brother, I haven't worked a job for money in two years. etc, etc. This is the kind of stuff I used to write about in my regular journal. I shouldn't subject you fine folks to this. I just thought there was a reasonable corelation between my poos and my moods. Now that the poos look better, maybe I'll get better?

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Yeah, Solid man!

Look at those gorgeous logs! Okay, yes, they are a bit skinny, but they are solid and clean, holding together just fine. Look at that tall one, bending over from its own weight, but not breaking. These babies are strong, resilient, but flexible, able to adapt. Like a good leader.

By the by, I'm beginning to question my influence on the world. I feel like a non-being. I feel like a scent wafting through the air. Those who pass by are vaguely aware of my pressence, a handful may even pause to wonder where they recognize the smell from or what might be the source, but then continue on their way.